Sorry about that last post. The writing of it was extremely delayed, I tried to include too many topics, and just had to publish to get it off of my mind.
Today is Jay's last day of school (though not work), and Stanford's Commencement is this Sunday, so things are feeling very imminent to me, both in a good way, and in a frightening way. Sure, the notion of waking every day to my own body clock, or Alma's, is crazy appealing right now, but the challenge of making sure I'm up and working without a boss or colleagues or students to drive me, well, I'm not sure I'm up to it. I'm not sure I'm not, either, but it's a source of anxiety right now.
My successor is just terrific, but I am feeling heavily the weight of all I have learned the past 8 years, and all the things I didn't do but knew I should have done, and I don't know how to pass it on. Maybe it isn't for me to pass on. I came into my job without someone to train me, but with incredible support, I did alright.
I am also wondering how much I really know about growing food, about living in relative isolation, being a full-time mom. Wow, as I write I realize that this whole thing has become a huge whine fest! I have tons of positive thoughts too; I guess that the end of school has brought some of the big scaries to life.
Positive thoughts: keeping our own schedule according to our natural clocks; learning how to rely on myself; waking up to the sound of birds in the fig tree; a house with more light; having our own place we can do with what we want. I look forward to being able to bake bread in the middle of the week, getting to know chickens and teaching Alma how to care for them, gathering and getting used to the flavor of fresh eggs. I'm excited about living more in the rhythm of the seasons, celebrating sun, moon, autumn winter spring summer, and seeing Alma grow into herself confident that she can learn how to do make grow anything.
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