Wow, Jay is done with his job, and I only have about two weeks left. I'm feeling more anxious about, and more ready for, this big change, and there is so much to do yet! I had a great conversation with our new neighbor on the phone the other day, and am comforted that we have people close who have offered to be support, both physical (they have tractors!) and emotional.
Just last week, though, we had some health issues (nothing scary in the least), and I am more concerned than ever that we find some way to get Alma insured. She's little but very adventurous, and who knows what kinds of things she'll get her hands on once we move! Jay has been sick too (my opinion? it's the stress of ending a very consuming position) and is taking himself to the doctor today, which only makes me all the more grateful for insurance that allows us to drop in for a look for about $20. So, the next really important task is to research health insurance options for us.
I have frequent doubts about how well-equipped I am to be a stay at home mom, particularly in a rural location, but when I was home with Alma last week for three days in a row, I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to slow down and just be there with her, rather than feeling guilt for missing work, pressure to have dinner done, house clean, laundry put away. This gave me a small glimpse into what it might be like once we move. There's an awful lot of work to be done, and certainly we need to get things in place to grow some food for the winter, but the time pressure is on a more natural scale, and I am feeling more confident about things.
Moving day? Still looks like it'll be around July 15; at least that's when we need to be out of the hobbit house. We're going up this next weekend and hopefully can get some work done on the house. I'll bring the camera up and post pics.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
The Reality Setting In
Sorry about that last post. The writing of it was extremely delayed, I tried to include too many topics, and just had to publish to get it off of my mind.
Today is Jay's last day of school (though not work), and Stanford's Commencement is this Sunday, so things are feeling very imminent to me, both in a good way, and in a frightening way. Sure, the notion of waking every day to my own body clock, or Alma's, is crazy appealing right now, but the challenge of making sure I'm up and working without a boss or colleagues or students to drive me, well, I'm not sure I'm up to it. I'm not sure I'm not, either, but it's a source of anxiety right now.
My successor is just terrific, but I am feeling heavily the weight of all I have learned the past 8 years, and all the things I didn't do but knew I should have done, and I don't know how to pass it on. Maybe it isn't for me to pass on. I came into my job without someone to train me, but with incredible support, I did alright.
I am also wondering how much I really know about growing food, about living in relative isolation, being a full-time mom. Wow, as I write I realize that this whole thing has become a huge whine fest! I have tons of positive thoughts too; I guess that the end of school has brought some of the big scaries to life.
Positive thoughts: keeping our own schedule according to our natural clocks; learning how to rely on myself; waking up to the sound of birds in the fig tree; a house with more light; having our own place we can do with what we want. I look forward to being able to bake bread in the middle of the week, getting to know chickens and teaching Alma how to care for them, gathering and getting used to the flavor of fresh eggs. I'm excited about living more in the rhythm of the seasons, celebrating sun, moon, autumn winter spring summer, and seeing Alma grow into herself confident that she can learn how to do make grow anything.
Today is Jay's last day of school (though not work), and Stanford's Commencement is this Sunday, so things are feeling very imminent to me, both in a good way, and in a frightening way. Sure, the notion of waking every day to my own body clock, or Alma's, is crazy appealing right now, but the challenge of making sure I'm up and working without a boss or colleagues or students to drive me, well, I'm not sure I'm up to it. I'm not sure I'm not, either, but it's a source of anxiety right now.
My successor is just terrific, but I am feeling heavily the weight of all I have learned the past 8 years, and all the things I didn't do but knew I should have done, and I don't know how to pass it on. Maybe it isn't for me to pass on. I came into my job without someone to train me, but with incredible support, I did alright.
I am also wondering how much I really know about growing food, about living in relative isolation, being a full-time mom. Wow, as I write I realize that this whole thing has become a huge whine fest! I have tons of positive thoughts too; I guess that the end of school has brought some of the big scaries to life.
Positive thoughts: keeping our own schedule according to our natural clocks; learning how to rely on myself; waking up to the sound of birds in the fig tree; a house with more light; having our own place we can do with what we want. I look forward to being able to bake bread in the middle of the week, getting to know chickens and teaching Alma how to care for them, gathering and getting used to the flavor of fresh eggs. I'm excited about living more in the rhythm of the seasons, celebrating sun, moon, autumn winter spring summer, and seeing Alma grow into herself confident that she can learn how to do make grow anything.
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